Featuring Wand Abuse
Title: Featuring Wand Abuse
Author: Madelyn
Prompt: Fairy!Rodney
Characters: Sheppard, McKay, Zelenka
Notes: Thanks to Jenn for the pronouncement of “spit soda-worthy” in the pre-read. 2058 words. Written for the Thirteen Challenge.
He was the size of a Skipper doll but somehow, his snoring was just as loud as the full-grown version.
“Rodney,” John sighed, shifting back a little. “Rodney, look, we have to move you away from me,” he muttered. Rodney didn’t so much as stir, and somehow he’d fallen asleep right next to John’s ear, so the snoring was surround sound. “And your wing is tickling my cheek,” he yawned.
John stared for a second; Rodney looked so—damn, he looked *cute* clutching his little wand as he slept. He lifted the whole pillow up, abandoning it in the shower in the bathroom. He found a washcloth, tucked it in around Rodney and shut the door firmly behind him.
***
John awoke with a startled jerk, feeling a sharp pinprick on his forehead. “Hey–!” he broke off, taking in the sight of one dripping wet, very pissed off looking Rodney fairy.
“Did you just stab me with your wand?” John yelled, rubbing his forehead.
“That’s for abandoning me in your shower! Where I was just rudely awoken by a torrent of icy cold water nearly *drowning me*!”
John staggered to his feet and threw on a pot of coffee. “I put you in the shower so you’d have the ledge and not be on the ground, and still be in a separate room! They don’t just turn on automatically, you know! Why the hell were you thinking about a shower?”
Rodney blinked, his left wing drooping a little. “That’s hardly significant! What’s significant is that I come to my friend, having been turned into—into this!” he screamed, high pitched, “and I wake up to flooding!”
“You were snoring! I couldn’t take it anymore! I thought I was going to pitch you across the room out of sleep deprived madness!” John poured a huge cup and got out the little coffee stirrer and planted it in there. “Fairy though you may be, I’m assuming you still need your coffee?” he asked, rubbing at his eyes.
“Don’t think you’re going to distract me,” Rodney said, already sipping carefully. John disappeared into the bathroom and came out with a hand towel. He wrapped it around Rodney’s neck and tied it with a jaunty knot.
“This is like the first coffee rush I ever had,” Rodney said, wide-eyed, still sipping, and nostalgic. “This is—”
“Whoa there. Let’s—Jesus, you’ve already drunk a quarter of the cup.” John tried to pull the cup away only to find his hand swatted by the wand.
“Will you stop abusing me with that thing?” John asked, eyeing the bright red bump. “And that coffee was for me too,” he protested.
Rodney didn’t even slow down, but his wings seemed to be fluttering a bit faster. “You’re a really crappy fairy, Rodney. The Ancient box said you were supposed to bring joy. I have to say, I’m not seeing you bringing joy here,” John continued to mutter as he poured his own cup.
“I’ll bring everyone plenty of joy when I’m turned back,” Rodney said, apparently needing oxygen after all. “Hmm. We’ll throw my clothes in the dryer quick enough, and head down to the labs.”
“I have a blow dryer,” John said.
“Of course you do,” Rodney sneered.
“Oh, you can just go to—also, Lorne brought by some clothes from the mainland for you.”
Rodney looked up from the stirrer thoughtfully. “Don’t you dare.”
“Yeah, remember those GI Joes they gave out to the kids? We thought they’d fit you just fine,” John continued sweetly, rummaging for a danish. “Anyway, they’re on the dresser. I think you even get plastic shoes,” he smirked.
“Really soon, I’m going to figure out how to turn you into some very foul animal,” Rodney said, waving his wand apocalyptically.
“Worst. Fairy. Ever,” John sing-songed.
–
“Look, you even got a change of clothes, and we’re doing the best we can under the circumstances.” John blew out a breath, losing his temper a little at Rodney’s sixth berating assessment of Zelenka’s capacities in the last half hour.
“No, no, you look,” Rodney sneered. “I’ve been turned into a *fairy*, I have *wings*, my hands are shaking because you fed me too much coffee—” John balled his hands into fists at this one, but Rodney plowed on, blissfully ignorant or completely not caring, “and on top of all of that, these pants are chafing me. So you’ll forgive me if I’m just a little short with my temper, okay? Okay?”
Zelenka bit his lip and pushed his glasses back on his nose. “Why didn’t you just keep your—your other under-things on when you changed?” he asked sensibly.
“Oh, you’ll have to forgive me, you see I, not being well versed in GI Joe attire, did not think to wonder if they came with ‘under-things’. I threw all my clothes in the laundry chute for washing.”
“…I told you, I have detergent in my quarters, it would have taken oh, two seconds with a *toothbrush*,” John hissed.
“Like I’m letting you handle my ‘under-things’ with a toothbrush,” Rodney hissed back, though more fiercely, and John didn’t like the way his knuckles were whitening around the handle of his wand, so he settled back onto his stool.
“Let’s just stop using the term ‘under-things’ and get back to work, yes?” Zelenka muttered, turning back to staring at the Ancient box.
“Children,” Rodney breathed, snapping his fingers.
Zelenka and John both looked up…and up, because Rodney had gotten so excited, he’d started fluttering about well over their heads. “That’s what the box means. We already had that the box was supposed to bring ‘joy’, but no, no. I think it’s supposed to bring joy to *children*!” Rodney’s wings were going faster than a hummingbird’s.
“Uh, meaning…” John trailed off.
Zelenka broke into a wide grin. “Meaning that Rodney must bring joy to children before the device realizes it is time to bring him back.”
John blinked. “So we’re stuck with him forever.”
“This is what I am saying, yes,” Zelenka nodded.
“I’m either flying to the mainland myself or with you,” Rodney said stiffly, right in John’s face.
“I can—I can get a jumper ready,” John swallowed, eying the wand a little hesitantly.
“I have…a pie to pick up from one of the Athosians. And this is actually true, and I have never been more glad for the fact I have a sweet tooth,” Zelenka said solemnly.
“But normally you have a Marine bring it back for you,” Rodney glared.
“Yes. But I am in need of air and sunshine.”
The two of them had a bit of a staring contest before John clapped his hands twice and said, “Okkkkayy, kids, let’s just blow this popsicle stand.”
“What are you doing?” Rodney yelled as Zelenka tugged out a camera bag and slung it over his arm.
“This is so that I might take pictures of you enthralling the children, obviously,” Zelenka grinned, and whistled on his way out the door. “I think they would be wonderful to grace the picture board Dr. Weir has been wishing to set up, no?”
“Too bad the box doesn’t work if you just bring joy to him,” John sympathized. He jerked as he felt a slight weight on his shoulder. “…what are you doing?” John asked as Rodney settled in.
“I’m getting a little bit of motion sickness,” Rodney sighed.
“Hey, do you need me to cut the holes in your shirt a little bigger for the wings?” John asked concernedly, as he peered a bit closer. “Is it too tight?”
“You’re not going to really let him take pictures, are you?” Rodney asked.
“Hmm. Well, I’m open for negotiation,” John said, slowing his pace to fall behind Zelenka’s even further.
“I have four dark Milky Ways and I lied to everyone, I do have The Matrix trilogy,” Rodney muttered.
“Sweeten the pot,” John said, pushing the transporter buttons accordingly. Jesus, Zelenka was already *gone*.
“Sweeten the—” Rodney bit off a curse. “Fine. There’s also two bags of microwave popcorn.”
“I find your terms acceptable,” John inclined his head as they stepped off into the jumper bay.
“Don’t think I’ll forget this, Sheppard,” Rodney bit out. “Next time something weird happens, and you know it will, I’ll *remember this*.”
“I’m sure, I’m sure,” John soothed. “But in the meantime, I have a whole day off Friday, all stretched out before me with movie after movie and Milky Way bars I can melt in the popcorn.”
***
John nearly kissed the ground in relief. The flight over, between Zelenka practically bouncing off the walls and Rodney making frantic and not very subtle alternating ‘breaking!’ and ‘hiding!’ motions at Zelenka’s camera, had not been exactly the most peaceful of John’s many, many flights.
“Radek?” John said quietly, holding out his hand.
“I—but,” Zelenka stammered.
“I know,” John assured. “I understand. But it’s just too low, you know?”
“But—”
“Radek.” John stretched his fingers slightly.
“Fine, take it!” Zelenka thrust the camera into John’s outstretched hands.
“Well, that was highly anti-climactic,” Rodney stared. “*That* cost me all those Milky Way bars?” he asked incredulously.
“We have a rapport,” John said solemnly, tucking the bag in under his elbow. “Lead the way, oh bringer of joy.”
“It’d be a real shame not to turn you into something small and poofy before I turn back,” Rodney warned.
“You’re too scared you won’t be able to turn me back, and then Ronon would hurt you to avenge me,” John scoffed. “He would too, you know. He’s loyal like that.”
Luckily, before Rodney could respond to that: “Sheppard! Sheppard!” Jinto ran up at a light jog, embracing John warmly.
“Heya, kiddo,” John greeted, but the kid had already noticed McKay, judging by the slightly slack-jawed expression.
“Want to get a few of your friends together and have them meet us outside your father’s tent?” Sheppard asked hopefully.
“Why’s Dr. McKay a butterfly?” Jinto asked, narrowing his eyes.
“A butterfly?” Rodney sputtered.
“Why don’t you go right now?” John asked brightly, giving Jinto a little push back to the settlement.
“What, like fairy is so much better,” John rolled his eyes when he took in Rodney’s still bright red face.
“It’s—what are they teaching these children?” Rodney said miserably.
John felt a little bad again. “If you’re getting a little queasy again, my shoulder’s all yours,” he offered.
“I saw Zelenka’s expression when we walked up. He was thinking I looked like a parrot, and he was right. Mostly because you look like some kind of rakish pirate type,” Rodney tacked on.
John swallowed what he was about to say, taking in the small gathering of Athosians around Halling’s tent.
“Jinto, I thought I said just to grab a few kids,” John said calmly.
“Well, I did, but then everyone heard Dr. McKay was a butterfly.”
“I’m not a—” Rodney was cut off by one of the little girls asking sweetly, eagerly, “Can we touch your wings?”
“Oh, dear God, no!” Rodney said, but John motioned him aside. “Hey, you’re supposed to entertain and play along, probably.”
“I’m just going to tell everyone that they all need to laugh or something, and pretend like I’m being funny or whatever, and this will be done with!” Rodney said fiercely.
“What if it has to be like, pure joy or something?” John whispered.
“Are you for real?” Rodney choked.
“No, I mean—the Ancients are weird, you know? What if it didn’t count unless the kids were you know, honestly happy?”
Rodney made a soft distressed sound and John thought it was pretty sad how his wing always drooped whenever he was feeling down. But one of the things about Rodney McKay that John always respected most was his ability to adapt, so when John saw Rodney steel himself, GI Joe shirt less wrinkled from the effort, John knew it was going to be alright.
Zelenka had returned, pie box in hand, and settled in next to John on the log as the children lined up excitedly to pet Rodney’s wings.
“Hey, a little less grabby hands, you,” Rodney managed to refrain from poking with his wand, but John could tell it was difficult for him. “We want gentle, soothing strokes, nice, yes, okay, that’s fine.”
Zelenka wasn’t paying that much attention to John, enthralled as he was with Rodney, so John took the opportunity to pick at the crust of the pie.
“It just doesn’t get much better than this, does it?” John sighed, settling in on the log.
“I do not think my heart could take it if it did,” Zelenka replied, eyes shining. “Though…” he eyed the camera meaningfully.
“I can miss it if you take one. For just *you*,” John warned, scooping up a couple of the berries.
Zelenka looked around furtively, snapped a picture so fast that John conceivably *might* have missed it had he not been fore-warned, and the camera was snug inside its pack all within ten seconds.
“Nice,” John appreciated.
“When one has proper motivation, wonders can be worked.”
“What do you have on your hands? What did you just eat?” Rodney accused. “Ow! Ow! Ripping the wing! Ripping the wing!” John looked closer, concerned for a second, but the little boy was saying “It was jam! It was jam! And I’m sorry!”
John coughed loudly and grinned broadly, pointing to the corners of his mouth, opting for the kind of subtlety Rodney had gone for with the camera on the jumper.
Rodney scowled for all of two seconds and then floated above the crowd, announcing, “Hey, who likes fireworks?” before setting off six bright ones in succession in the sky. It was only an hour into the evening so they weren’t quite as majestic as they’d have been in the full night sky, but the children screamed giddily and the adults looked pretty interested themselves.
John gave Rodney a thumbs up. “I think you’re gonna make it after all, tiger!” he called, unable to restrain himself.
***
“None of that happened,” Rodney said once they had all climbed aboard the jumper.
“What happened on the mainland, stays on the mainland,” John agreed readily, already getting the controls in place for take-off.
“You deprive me of my pictures, and I am not allowed to discuss?” Zelenka said dubiously. “You do not have your special wand anymore. You ask too much.”
Rodney sighed in the chair next to John’s. “Want to put your rapport to good use again?” he asked hopefully.
“Nope,” John said. “You know McKay, the fun moments on Atlantis are a little few and far between. Let him have this.”
Rodney sighed and seemed to be too exhausted to even put up a pretense of a fight.
“I brought sweatpants,” John said, pointing to the compartment in the back. “I was hoping you’d get to use them.
Rodney nodded and said thank you quietly as he stripped in the back corner.
“Better? No more chafing?” John teased when he sat back down.
“You keep digging yourself out of your hole only to shovel in more dirt the very next minute,” Rodney commented. “That takes certain skill.”
***
When Rodney exited the puddle jumper, John had to bite back a laugh when he tripped and nearly fell flat on his face.
John understood; he’d tried to gather his legs properly to fly, and it just hadn’t worked out right. Wistfully, he thought okay, sure, the whole thing had been a little embarrassing, but to *fly*, free open air, nothing around him…
Maybe once they understood the box a little better Rodney would get a shot at turning the tables, John mused.
“You know, when you drop off the Matrix, I can share the popcorn with you. I’ll even give you some before I melt the Milky Way in it,” John said generously.
“Yeah, sure,” Rodney said. “I’m going to go taunt people in the lab with my full size once more intact,” he continued. “Maybe I can convince them the wand still works though.”
“Might wanna change your shirt first,” John called, just as Rodney was almost out the door. “Aren’t you feeling a little draft?”