Medication For Sleep Deprivation » When Your Job Description (You Announce Chevrons!) Is a Total Lie

Title: When Your Job Description (You Announce Chevrons!) Is a Total Lie
Summary: Walter is sent on a very important mission.

Notes: ltlj writes this fabulous SGA/SG-1 universe called Retrograde and wrote a tiny snippet here. (If you haven’t read this story, you fail at fandom. Yes. You do. I’m sorry! Read Jenn’s rec and then, off you go!) Last night, I decided to a) thank ltlj for writing such a great story and b) attempt to distract seperis from the unending tooth trauma, because I am nothing else if not a multi-tasker. Thanks to Jenn for audiencing and ltlj for permission to post.
“General O’Neill? Did you want me to get all of them?” Walter asked quietly into his cell phone.

“What’s that? I can’t hear you,” O’Neill said.

“I said, sir, did you want me to get all of the condoms?” Walter dropped his voice again. “Including the edible ones?”

“What? Your cell; it’s breaking up.”

“Edible condoms, did you want me to get edible condoms,” Walter hissed.

“Uh. Yeah, get everything that you see,” O’Neill said, after coughing for a moment.

The other guy browsing the aisle was very carefully not looking at Walter, who was busily scooping everything in sight into the cart.

Yeah, it was going to be a long day.

***

He had slightly better luck at the SuperTarget.

“This is all you have for cotton underwear?” Walter asked, peering at the six pack of bright pink girls’ underwear.

“It’s fifty packs, sir.”

“Yeah, I was just hoping for more. These are cute. Do you have anymore with the smiley cats on them?”

The saleslady was looking at him oddly. “I’ll double check in the back, but I’m pretty sure that’s all we have with smiley *penguins*.”

Walter peered closer. “Those are penguins?”

“I’ll just go check in the back.”

She emerged two minutes later with two boxes, full of girls and boys smiley penguin underwear.

“Oh man, these are great,” Walter enthused.

“So, why do you need all this stuff?” She asked, and Walter registered the suspicion in her voice.

“Oh, a group of friends and I are organizing a drive for a bunch of kids who could really use this stuff,” he said. “So they sent me out with a truck and a wad of cash.”

The saleslady warmed to him after that, and they picked out the easiest to assemble cribs and strollers to throw into the mix. Walter ducked out of her way for a few minutes to make his run down the condom aisle.

***

It wasn’t until he’d emerged from the third Target store with six carts full of bags of children’s clothes and every box of condom they’d had that Walter actually started feeling a little embarrassed.

The stock boys they’d sent out to help him all gaped at the back of the U-Haul where there was already quite a collection of goods.

“Uh. Thanks, guys,” Walter said, climbing into the truck and half-waving out the window. It was three p.m. already, and he’d hit four stores in the Colorado Springs area, and a couple beyond it.

He’d made out like a bandit at the JCPenney at the Chapel Hills Mall — all these cute little overalls for $2.97! Hello Kitty t-shirts for $1.97; how they made money on anything Walter didn’t even want to question. Everyone browsing the children’s department had glared at him when the sales associates had come around and started dumping everything they had in carts for him.

He was passing by the Dairy Queen when his stomach started rumbling again. He glanced over at the two granola bar wrappers. Okay, quick lunch/dinner break. He locked up the truck and jogged in, staring at the menu hungrily. He placed an order for the GrillBurger basket and went into the restrooms.

He took his tray and went over to sit by the window, popping in a French fry when he had to do a double take. He ran outside and looked around wildly, but it was no use.

The U-Haul truck was gone.

“Okay. Okay. Don’t panic.” Walter told himself, and felt around his pockets for his cell phone.

Which he’d left in the truck.

He went back into the Dairy Queen and they were nice enough to let him use the phone. Then he realized he didn’t know anyone’s numbers, and it wasn’t like he could call the SGC on an unsecured line. Walter was picking around his pockets when he felt a small card–Teal’c! Teal’c had offered to help him pack it all up for transport, with a couple of marines.

And best of all, he’d *hand written* his phone number. Walter dialed, praying he was home.

“Hello.”

“Teal’c! They stole the truck!” Walter cringed. “I mean, the U-Haul. It was–I was eating! And it was stolen.”

“I see.”

“Can you come–”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at the Dairy Queen on, uh, Space Village Avenue.”

“I will come at once. What weapons do you think will be necessary in order to re-secure the merchandise?”

“I–what?”

“I will arrive shortly.”

Walter stared at the receiver for a couple of seconds. “Thanks,” he mumbled to the girl behind the counter.

He went back and picked at his now cold burger and fries, waiting for Teal’c to come.

***

“I have called the truck rental service. They have assured me they are able to track the vehicle. I have obtained coordinates. Fortunately, they did not go far, and parked momentarily after you called me. I instructed their representative to call me should the truck attempt to depart.”

Walter stared. “That’s–great. Thanks, Teal’c.”

“Of course. General O’Neill tasked you with an important assignment. I am glad to be of service.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Teal’c parked behind a shack. “Is this it?” Walter asked, scanning and seeing nothing around.

“No. It is half a block ahead. I feel we should walk through these trees so that we may surprise the thieves.”

“Oh. Okay.” Walter looked down at the cool metal Teal’c was pressing into his hand. “A gun?” he squawked. “I don’t think the situation warrants–”

“Tranquilizers,” Teal’c said succinctly. “I did not feel the zat’ni’katels should be used readily in open, nor did I wish to take the chance you might mortally wound one of our enemies.”

“Tranqs,” Walter breathed. “Yes, good idea.”

Suddenly, Teal’c dropped to a crouch. “We are here,” he whispered.

“The truck!” Walter said, pointing excitedly.

“Yes. I do not see anyone. But that does not mean they are not here. Step quietly, Sergeant Harriman.”

They made it to the truck in seconds. Teal’c was frowning as he pulled open the door. “Does all appear to be intact?” he questioned.

Walter spied his cell phone still on the seat. “Yes. I don’t think they would have had time to unload.”

“They left the keys in the ignition,” Teal’c said, still frowning. “They are poor criminals.”

“Who cares? Let’s just go!” Walter said, happy he didn’t even have to tranq anyone today.

“Very well,” Teal’c said, staring the ignition and peeling out in a sharp turn. A tall man with an axe was standing in front of them.

“Oh shit,” Walter breathed.

“I shall deal with this. Wait here.” Teal’c directed, and stepped out of the truck. Walter readied his tranq gun. After quickly smacking down axe-guy, Teal’c disappeared out of Walter’s line of sight, and Walter heard reassuring thuds against the truck.

“Teal’c, how’re you doing out there?” Walter called, fingers curled around the door handle.

“They fight as well as they steal,” Teal’c commented, and there was the sound of another body hitting the gravel. Axe-guy pulled himself off the ground, only to be shot in the arm with Walter’s tranq gun.

Teal’c climbed back into the truck and peeled out swiftly. They heard yelling–well, really, more of a sick sounding angry type moan behind them, but ignored it, and Teal’c pulled back into the area behind the shack where he’d parked his car. “I will follow you and ensure you do not run into any other problems today,” Teal’c said, with that weird little smile he had sometimes.

“It’s really not necessary,” Walter said, feeling himself reddening from the whole situation. “I can’t believe I didn’t even think to call the U-Haul location.”

“You were right to call me. We shall proceed to your last several stops and finish shopping.”

“Together?” Walter squeaked, imagining the looks when he *and* Teal’c were shoving every condom package in sight into a cart.

“Is there a reason why not?”

“Nope,” Walter sighed. “You can just follow me.”

***

“Daniel Jackson enjoys these greatly,” Teal’c mused, eyeing a stack of Playstations.

“General O’Neill was pretty explicit in his list of things to get,” Walter said doubtfully.

“I have expense accounts of my own. They are not generally questioned,” Teal’c said, examining the box. They shared a look.

“Uh, we’re going to need a few more carts,” Walter called over to the nearest guy in a red vest.

They’d almost made it out of the store when Walter saw the book section, and insisted on emptying it of every Babysitter’s Club, Boxcar Children, Harry Potter and Classics in sight.

Teal’c looked on approvingly.

***

As he’d thought, the condom aisle was a unique experience with Teal’c, but not for the reasons Walter had expected.

“I believe you should also be supplying them with lubricant,” Teal’c said firmly, pitching bottles into the cart.

“It’s not on the list!” Walter said.

“Yes, but as General O’Neill said, these are off the books.”

Walter stared thoughtfully. “And what if whatever stuff they’re making over there renders the latex useless, and makes all of this for nothing?”

“I find your reasoning sound,” Teal’c said, just as he finished clearing the shelves of every lubricant in sight.

Luckily, Teal’c was nicely intimidating looking, so hardly anyone blinked an eye when the two of them cleared the store of everything prophylactics and children’s clothing related.

And fourteen Parcheesi boards. Teal’c had insisted, and Walter couldn’t really find fault in the idea.

***

“This seems kind of mean,” Walter said.

“How do you mean?” Teal’c asked, pivoting the cart around a corner.

“Well, I mean, we got them Playstations and books and Parcheesi boards, but that’s only going to go so far. I mean, if we’re going to do this, shouldn’t we do it right?”

“And not half-assed,” Teal’c said, obviously channeling O’Neill.

“Yeah. Let’s check out the toy aisle.”

Dozens of dolls, teddy bears, game boards, paints, craft supplies, model planes, balls and action figures later, Teal’c pronounced that they had enough to ensure that every child would be having at least a couple things to themselves.

“Oh man, they have ice cream makers.” Walter said,

“They could plug them in on Atlantis,” Teal’c concurred.

Ten of those were directed out to the stuffed truck.

“We can just put those on the seats between us,” Walter bit his lip as one of the girls tried valiantly to shove the last of the ice cream makers into the back of the truck.

“I believe we are done, Sergeant Harriman,” Teal’c pronounced.

“You’re only saying that because the truck is full.”

“Yes. And also because the gate can only stay open for so long.”

***

Someone had called General O’Neill down. He and Daniel looked around, wide-eyed as Teal’c and Walter and several marines unloaded the truck and got everything organized.

Daniel picked through their supplies and held up the licorice flavored condoms wordlessly. “They sell these at Target?”

“Licorice?” O’Neill leaned over and plucked a box out of the bag himself. “Huh.”

“They’re an acquired taste,” Daniel commented lethargically.

“Really now.” O’Neill stared. Daniel shoved the box back into the bag and scratched at his neck. “You did good,” O’Neill said to Walter.

“Well. Half of it was Teal’c idea.”

“It rang of the big guy,” O’Neill smirked, and leaned in and pulled out a few of the Hello Kitty t-shirt bags and handed them assembly line fashion to Daniel. “A buck ninety seven?” he asked, peering at them incredulously.

“I know,” Walter said.

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September 7 2006 Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: SG-1. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.